Dian’s Blog

(This is what I’ve written 5 years ago on July 2002.  I just found it yesterday.  It was amaze me, because I can see how I saw myself and my life 5 years ago.  Am I better now, or just still the same?  I now the answer exactly).

I consider myself as an optimistic, a quick learner and a high self-confidence person, who like to be challenged with new things.

From my experience, there is nothing can be done if we have strong will to do it. 

Strong will is a huge positive energy that can influence ourselves and also our environment.  The stronger our will, the more energy we will get, then it will drive us to achieve our goal.

I believe we have to manage our life, our future, otherwise the future will manage us. 

Life is a choice.  Whatever we do and like to do is up to us.  If we plan to succeed, we will succeed, if we plan to be a loser then we will be it.  Just depend on how strong we drive ourselves and how well we manage our obstacles.

Life is like a game.  We can play hard way, we can play safely or we just ignore the rule. 

It is all depend on us.

I have many weaknesses that I need to improve.  I still want to be more organized in every matter.  Not just for working or studying but also for day to day activities.

I want to have balance between working, studying and raising my family.  Sometimes, I like to do what I like rather than what important.  This ‘moody’ feeling is not good. 

I also need to learn how to be calm and not too emotional in handling anything.

I know that life is a process for me as a human being to be better and better.  The progress is important. And it also important how succeed we pass in every level.  So that, if I realize my weaknesses and try to improve them, I will be a better person each time I learn from my mistake/weakness.

Ini salah satu lagu yang selalu membuatku berurai air mata.  Bila menghayati lagu ini aku merasakan suatu tarikan dahsyat dari dalam hati untuk bisa berbuat lebih dan lebih lagi bagi sesama. 

What I’ve done so far? Till today? Is it make any significant change to others?  Have I done something meaningful in this life yet? What contribution? How meaningful? Nothing.  I’ve done nothing yet, actually.  Belum apa-apa. 

There’s a place in your heart, and I know that it is love
And this place could be much brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try, you’ll find there’s no need to cry
In this place you’ll feel, there’s no hurt or sorrow

There are ways to get there
If you care enough for the living
Make a little space, make a better place

Heal the world make it a better place
For you and for me and the entire human race

There are people dying if you care enough for the living
Make a better place for you and for me

If you want to know why, there’s a love that cannot lie
Love is strong, it only cares for joyful giving

If we try we shall see in this bliss,

We cannot feel fear or dread, we stop existing and start living

Then it feels that always love’s enough for us growing
So make a better world, make a better world

And the dream we were conceived In will reveal a joyful face
And the world we once believed in will shine again in grace
Then why do we keep strangling life wound this earth crucify
Its soul though it’s plain to see this world is heavenly be God’s glow

We could fly so high let our spirits never die

In my heart I feel you are all my brothers

Create a world with no fear together we’ll cry happy tears

See the nations turn their swords into plowshares

We could really get there if you cared enough for the living
Make a little space, to make a better place

Allah telah menunjukkan kuasaNya, tepat di depan mata.  Tiada kata yang bisa menguraikan rasa syukur ini.

No doubt.  This is Your will, I never doubt of Your power.  Betapa indah, damai, dan benar-benar ringan, kosong, seakan tubuh melayang bila kuhayati namaMu di dalam hati.  Betapa aku ingin lebih tinggi dan lebih tinggi lagi menggapaiMu. 

Aku ingin selalu di jalanMu, dalam dekapan kasihMu, karena tidak ada kedamaian di dunia ini sebanding dengan keberadaan di sisiMu.

Terima kasih ya Allah, kemarin, aku mendapatkan sesuatu yang mempertebal imanku kepadaMu.  Tidak ada keraguan dalam hatiku akan kuasaMu.  Engkau di atas segala-galanya.

My office, 10 July 2007, 08:02

Hal yang memudahkanku untuk melangkah ke depan dengan ringan adalah karena aku berusaha untuk tidak ‘dihantui’ masa lalu.  Apa yang sudah terjadi, terjadilah.  Aku tidak ingin masa lalu menggayut di kakiku dan memperberat langkah-langkahku.  I have to let it go.

Untuk itu maka tidak ada jalan lain selain ‘memaafkan dan melupakan’.  Sebelum bisa memaafkan 100% pasti beban itu akan tetap terbawa kemanapun aku pergi.  And I don’t want that.  Dengan penuh keikhlasan aku relakan semuanya, aku maafkan semuanya, sehingga hatiku benar-benar bersih dari hal yang negatif.

Aku berdoa semoga semuanya diberikan kebahagiaan di tempat masing-masing dalam menjalankan misi masing-masing.

Forgive and forget.

Insya Allah, hatiku sudah kosong dari kerikil-kerikil sakit hati, kecewa, dendam, atau apapun juga yang menjadi beban negatif. Dengan hati yang kosong, aku berharap bisa merasakan kasih dan sayang, nikmat, karunia dan rahmat dari Allah.  Karena aku yakin bahwa setiap detik Allah sebenarnya memberikan berkah, rahmat, kasih sayang pada seluruh umatNya, hanya saja tingkat kebersihan hati masing-masing yang berbeda dalam menerimaNya.

I feel great, I feel wonderful.  Now, I’m ready to make another journey.

Seribu sujudpun tak cukup untuk menyampaikan rasa syukur ke hadiratMu.  KasihMu, rahmatMu, telah membasuh jiwaku.   Kau kirimkan aparatMu untuk menunjukkan jalanku.  Kau berikan kenikmatan yang tiada terkira.

Ya Allah, seribu sujudku di hadapanMu.   Air mata mengalir setiap kuseru namaMu.  Jiwaku bergetar setiap kusebut namaMu.

Ya Allah, betapa kecil aku di hadapanMu.  Semua cinta adalah untukMu.  Bukalah hatiku selebar-lebarnya, untuk menerima cintaMu yang tiada batas.  Kan kusebarkan cintaMu untuk semua yang haus dan kekeringan menggapai kasih sayangMu.  Jiwa-jiwa luka yang butuh basuhan bening air cintaMu.

Terima kasih ya Allah atas karuniaMu.  Tunjukkan selalu jalan yang lurus.  Ibadahku, hidupku dan matiku hanya untukMu.

Dalam kereta api, 7:34, 6 Jul 07.

It is amazing how God’s work in ‘dealing’ with human heart.

HE can just easily turn my heart of feeling pain becoming ‘ikhlas’ 99.99% to accept whatever it is.  No hurt feeling, no hate, no pain, nothing.  God has already taken out all my sorrows. 

I sincerely forgive everybody who hurt me in the past.  Totally.  Zero.

This is my turning point.

Now, I can face my future without any doubt.  I see brighter one.  Thousand of opportunities, a higher level of happiness, and the most important things I can freely do a lot of positive things to others.

I believe, God creates me not to be useless in this world.

I have to give significant contribution to others.  More giving.  Just give all my heart for others.

I know I can change the world, starting from my family, my friends and my community.

I believe He always besides me, He shows His love through my family and friends. Thanks God for never ending test you’ve been giving me. 

It makes me stronger and stronger.

This is me now, as my rebirth, 5 Jul 07

….. in good times and bad times I”ll be on your side forever more, that’s what friends are for….

I’m very grateful having so many friends that always be there when I needed the most.  My surrounding is full of people with beautiful heart and mind.  Sometimes it makes me cry how sincere they offer to help.  It makes me speechless. 

God, thank you for sending me your angels through my friends.  I know I could make it through my difficult days without them.   I’m happy to be loved, because of Your love.  God, thank you for Your unlimited love.

Parung, 4 July 2007

Ardi & Ryan are my focus now.  I wanna be a the best mom for them.  I want them proud of me.

Focus how to give my little angels a happy life.  Focus how to ‘mainstreaming’ Ardi.  (I will do everything to make him happy and ‘normal’ like any other children).

This month will be a starting point for everything.

I’m ready to receive another mission in my life, consider my last mission has accomplished.  I believe God will always help me and guide me to face new challenging life in the near future.

My office, 7:49 PM, waiting for driver to pick me up.

Allah selalu mencengangkan dalam memberi petunjuk, peringatan bahkan kenikmatan….

Thank you God for reminding me that I’m still a normal person, my heart hasn’t freeze like a stone anymore.  I can feel something that I almost forget what’s look like.

Ujian dan cobaan yang datang bertubi, memaksaku untuk jadi batu karang yang tegar, sehingga membuatku lupa untuk lebih ease to myself, not playing hard on myself and just let it loose.  Let it feel what I’m feeling.

Please God, send the right one, I believe you’re not letting me down.  I deserve to be happy for the rest of my life, right?

Thank you for a friend, who gives me accompany to support me without ‘pamrih’ during these last two days, to make me realize that I have a beautiful life in more days to come. It means a lot, friend.

Now, I can sleep well.  Because two days ago, it was the first time in my whole life, that I can’t sleep at all. 

Parung, 1 July 2007

Don’t ask me what I’m feeling…

It’s up side down.

Waiting for something that I don’t know what’s all about?

I know God show me in His mysterious way….. And actually I will follow whatever He makes me to do.  Is it too much?

I don’t know what I’m feeling….

I guess, I just wait and see…

One thing for sure, I believe that God shows me the right direction.

Even though, this makes me miserable.

Gosh, I have to be more patient to wait what happen to my new life.

Actually, I’m not ready for this.

Not a single second I ever think about it.

But, I have to be ready. Like it or not.

God, please send me an angel, to guide me, to give me accompany through these following days to come.

Give me strength.

My two little angels need me more than ever.

Malang, 29 June 2007